domenica 31 maggio 2009

TU NON SEI IL TUO LAVORO; CAZZO, SEI NIENTE E BASTA!!!

E' LA NUOVA MODA DEL MOMENTO. TUTTI NE PARLANO, TUTTI LO VOGLIONO. ANCHE TU, ESIGI UN CARCINOMA AL PENE, MA SOLO DAL TUO INFETTOLOGO DI FIDUCIA; SE TI INFETTANO CON STRUMENTI NON DISINFETTATI E STERILI... POTREBBE FARTI INFEZIONE.


QUESTE SONO TRE FOTO DEL MIO NUOVO IDOLO, GREGG VALENTINO, L'UOMO CON LE BRACCIA PIU' GRANDI DEL MONDO. IL MITICO GREGG CHE E' UNO TOSTO, INFATTI QUANDO PARLA USA TANTE PAROLACCE, HA BASATO LA SUA ESISTENZA SUL FARSI DIVENTARE ENORME. INOLTRE SOSTIENE CHE, CON GLI STEROIDI, DIVENTI "UNA MACCHINA PIU' POTENTE, PIU' FORTE, PIU VELOCE".
POI PERO' GLI è SCOPPIATO UN BRACCIO, COME DIMOSTRA LA TERZA FOTO.
NELLA SECONDA FOTO LO SI VEDE POCO PRIMA DELL'ESPLOSIONE, AL MASSIMO DELLO SPLENDORE FISICO.
TI ADORO GREGG, SEI TUTTI NOI, SOPRATUTTO TUTTE LE NOSTRE BRACCIA






QUESTA FOTO MOSTRA LA LASTRA FATTA AD UN RIBELLE CHE VOLEVA PROTESTARE CONTRO LE NUOVE TECNOLOGIE. IN SEGUITO SI E' VENUTI A SAPERE CHE IL CELLULARE NEL CULO SE L'ERA INFILATO NON PER PROTESTA; PURO SCOPO LUDICO



DOPO IL PIERCING E IL CARCINOMA AL PENE, UN'ALTRA MODA E' QUELLA DEL CANCRO. TUTTI I NATI SOTTO IL SEGNO ASTROLOGICO DEL CANCRO AVRANNO DIRITTO (C'E' SCRITTO SULLA COSTITUZIONE) A UN CANCRO AL SENO TUTTO NUOVO.
IL PUNTO DI SUTURA (VEDI FOTO) E' COMPRESO NEL PREZZO.
BATTERIE NON INCLUSE.




RECENTI STUDI HANNO DIMOSTRATO I MOLTEPLICI VANTAGGI CHE OFFRONO LE CURE STEROIDO/ORMONALI: OLTRE A DIVENTARE GROSSI E FORTI, MEGLIO DI UNA MACCHINA, AVRETE ANCHE DEI TATUAGGI GRATIS, FANTASTICI TRIBALI ASTRATTI COME QUESTO. OGNI DURO CHE SI RISPETTI DEVE AVERE IL SUO TRIBAL TATTO, NO?



La vivisezione si fa con gli animali vivi, le autopsie si fanno con le persone morte, il cielo è sempre più blu mentre la stampante sempre più nera, mettere i puntini sulle i è un'azione legale svolta sempre più frequentemente dai tappalavandini aziendali che segnano errore quando ti vengono a dire che una pianta fumata fa male, però poi dio era tabagista convinto di poter cambiare il mondo con le red apple, chi sa sa chi non sa vive meglio, questo è poco sicuro e ma, al via del carosello mi sono scontrato con uno strano figuro che m'ha consigliato di figurarmi una figura figurativa, al che gli ho detto che ho smesso di studiare economia e quei cazzo di paroloni li conoscono solo loro, ma se a Neo è stato detto che “il nostro chiodo fisso è la domanda,” dove cazzo la mettiamo l'offerta dei poveri, cioè, come ha detto il papa, “La chiesa non è un'associazione umanitaria”, di fatti quando tuo figlio fa il cattivo dovresti dirgli, invece del solito “uomo nero,” che se continua a fare lo stronzo arriverà il prete bianco a portarlo via, da piccolo i negri li chiamavo “gli integrali” e quando a scuola studiai gli integrali mi sentii perplesso riguardo ad una dieta ricca di fibre animali e vegetali, un virus ti fa male solo se decidi di ammalarti, come il cazzo che va a vela, la controinformazione è un'informazione contraria e continua, l'ho letto sul manuale della fisica quantistica di Topolino, il controverso ratto ebreo, body builder uscito fresco fresco dalla scuola di Gregg Valentino, culturista al quale sono scoppiate le braccia e ora se le drena con una siringa, cazzo, andatelo a vedere sul tubbbo, è geniale, e quando gli sono scoppiate le braccia ha sbarellato completamente perché lo ha visto come apice della sua carriera in senso buono, cioè, quello era il massimo risultato, frutto di anni e sforzi.
Perciò, Gregg: questo post è per te.
E per le tue braccia.




NOTIZIE PRESE DA SKY E NON; PERCHE' LA GENTE DEVE SAPERE...
... quel che non serve.



Papa: “il mondo è inquinato sia dall'inquinamento atmosferico che da quello spirituale”. La gente non capisce, inizia a chiedersi se veramente sia il caso di sopprimere il santo uomo oppure limitarsi a sentire le sue cazzate ovvie. Nel dubbio un tizio tra la folla urla una sonora bestemmia che avvera le profezie del papa; dal cielo è cominciata a cadere dell'acqua verde che corrodeva ogni cosa con la quale entrava a contatto. “La madonna ci ha scagliato contro Alien, siam proprio nella merda”, ha affermato il santo uomo. Al numero verde 800-845-432 potrete effettuare una donazione per i terremotati affetti da sindrome aliena; ma con l'acido che piove dal cielo anche le case degli altri si corroderanno, così, tutti saremo pari.
Ecco.



Berlusconi: “Con il voto via la spazzatura”.
Prodi: “Con il voto via l'acne giovanile”.
Bertinotti: “Con il voto via le dita dal naso”.
Bossi: “Con il voto via i cazzi mosci”.
D'alema: “Con il voto via l'inquinamento.
La russa: “Con il voto via la crisi”.
Io: “Con il voto, smettetela di sparare cazzate e porcoddio fatevi un esame di coscienza, vedere se davvero meritate tutti quei soldi, I NOSTRI SOLDI, per fare le pantomime di 'sto cazzo, siete la telenovella moderna peggiore, il reality show più coatto e ignorante di tutti.




Ponte del 2/06: I meteorologi lanciano l'allarme meteo. Come ogni settimana i signori del tempo lanciano qualcosa, più precisamente allarmi. Si pensa che alle prossime olimpiadi la nuova specialità sarà proprio il lancio dell'allare, suddiviso in quattro categorie col resto di due.
Mi raccomando, allarmatevi bene, perché le culture antiche pensavano che l'allarme genera nientepopodimenoché l'allarmismo più sfaccettato e sfaccendato.




OGGI GIORNATA MONDIALE CONTRO IL FUMO: un intervistato, con tanto di canna in mano, ci assicura che c'è dentro solo erba, niente tabacco. “Io quella merda non la fumo”, ha dichiarato il saggio giovane, “quella merda la fanno gli americani con le multinazionali ciccione e ogm. E poi non bevo la coca cola, non vado da Mc Donald, non compro niente che sia americano. No America, No G8mmerda, No a questoequell'altro. In poche parole NO a tutto. Ecco.”. Alla domanda “Perché indossa i Levi's tanto americani quanto Bushberlusconiogm?!”, il ragazzo, in seguito a dieci minuti di silenzio ha affermato: “Questo non vuol dire un cazzo, cioè, li ho comprati usati alla festa dell'unità dell'anno scorso. Appartenevano ad un rivoluzionario cubano, viva la revolusion.”




Franceschini: “Noi e la destra; due mondi con valori completamente diversi”. In seguito a questa affermazione un team di specialisti dell'alta finanza&e psicologia astrologico primitiva hanno iniziato un lavoro di ricerca per riuscire a determinare il valore quantico nonché entropico delle cazzate qualunquiste sparate a raffica dai nostri politici, gente che dovrebbe fare le veci e le feci di ciò che siamo noi popolo della merda. La folla rabbrividisce, rigurgita, pensando che dopotutto, se una cosa l'hai pagata non va sprecata, allora tutta la folla in ginocchio a raccogliere il vomito per reinfilarselo in gola.
Proteste dal vaticano: “Vomito strumento del male. Dio buono. Male sbagliato.”
Viareggio: un motociclista è stato travolto da un'auto pirata. Aperta la caccia a quel bastardo di uno Jack Sparrow che ha stroncato la vita del povero motociclista. Per chi non lo sapesse, un motociclista è un tizio a cavallo di una moto. Cioè, non a cavallo di un equino; sopra ad un motociclo. Nel senso: siamo esseri umani, no? Ok. A contatto con certi strumenti meccanici, il nostro titolo nobiliare s'innalza, facendoci fluttuare di categoria, ovviamente verso l'alto.
Roba del calibro di: “Hey, tu, chiccazzo ti credi di essere?”.
“IO – SONO – UN – MO- TO- CI- CLI- STA”.



Cina: in una grotta dove stavano studiando il modo di creare involtini primavera più pieni di nulla che di verdure di plastica, una fuga di gas anale, (anche le grotte vivono di vita propria) ha fatto fuori trenta cinesi. Il premier cinese Mifotèvo Kaorifiladelfia ha annunciato felice quanto solenne: “Per ognuno che ne muore ce ne sono altri dieci per rimpiazzarlo”. Scatta l'allarme “Dragosovrappopolamentodelmondo”. Il papa esprime tutto il suo cordoglio per i trenta cinesi scomparsi: “E' stato un duro colpo ma la vita va avanti; se non altro i loro studi sono stati recuperati. Presto avremo involtini più nutrienti e meno politici”.



Allarme talebani: “Qualcuno ha fatto la spia”, dichiara un leader negro di quelli con la barba e il cappello che tutti si chiedono perché ha quella forma senza sapere che è un omaggio al culto del fungo sacro, di fatti anche babbo natale e i militari portano lo stesso cappello ma nessuno se ne accorge. “Hanno scoperto le nostre mosse, ora siamo in un vortice d'orrore”, sostiene il negro di fronte alla bergmaniana morte, intenta a fare la prossima mossa del mossad. In compenso il negro ridichiara: “Come controfigura di Max von Sydow, cappello da negro a parte, ci so fare”. L'interprete della morte, l'apatico quanto cianotico attore Bengt Ekerot, ha controdichiarato: “Per voi l'inferno è assicurato. Ora fai la tua cazzo di mossa; ho visto la pubblicità della telefonata di fronte al plotone d'esecuzione della legione straniera con quel bastardo di Massimo Lopez che è andato avanti 12 anni per non farsi fucilare. Conosco i tuoi trucchi; o muovi o muori.



La quarantottenne scozzese che cantava all'X factor britannico non ha puntato sulla bellezza fisica ma sulla sua angelica voce. Si è dovuta accontentare del secondo posto. È stata fatta a livello globale una raccolta di firme per darle il meritatissimo posto. “Cioè, mannaggia la creazione, è stata una schifezza di storia. Mia figlia ha anche smesso di mettersi le dita in gola dopo ogni pasto, come segno protesta”, ha dichiarato una fan. “Sono stati dei bastardi, era lei che meritava il primo posto perché è stata la più brava a cantare quella canzone difficile che fa na na na aaa na na na aaaa naaaa, cioè, no, non può essere, cioè ma ti prego, come si può fare”. Un monaco buddista si è dato fuoco in piazza. Le sue ultime dichiarazioni sono state: “Doveva vincere lei. A questo mondo non c'è più religione, testimoni del genova a parte”, e poi: “Buddha non è un dio; è uno stadio che raggiunge il praticante ripetendo incessantemente più giorni per più ore possibili Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, però sempre che le sue statue raffigurano un ciccione grasso, perché comunque a meditare sempre seduto, a condurre una vita sedentaria quanto sedimentaria finisce che ti impigrisci, non muovi più il culo e ogni cosa che mangi la assimili del tutto per poi riproporla sotto forma di massa adiposa antiestetica”.



Allarme degli allarmi: Allarmanti dichiarazioni sono state lanciate come un allarme fino a sé stesso. Il premier allarma: “E' ora che la gente sappia, che l'oscurantismo mediatico abbia fine. La colpa è dei terroristi”. Il pubblico si chiede: “Eh? Che cazzo stai a dire?!”. Il premier risponde sobriamente: “Sono importanti i valori della famiglia. L'Italia è nata romana e cristiana e non morirà rom e musulmana. Il pubblico ririchiede: “Eh? Cazzo stai a di'”? Il premier ririreplica: “I valori sono fondamentali. La disciplina e l'educazione scolastica vanno pattuiti verso un trattamento biunivoco più trilaterale”. Il pubblico controchiede: “Eh? Ma che cazzo, stai a giocà' con parole e concetti; non stai dicendo niente di concreto”. Il premier mette a tacere le accuse: “Ma non avete visto? L'inter ha vinto lo scudetto. Stasera grande sfilata in piazza con panini con porchetta gratis e l'allegra orchestra di Mario Landi&I solisti”. Applausi a cielo aperto, dal quale ricomincia a cadere pioggia radioattiva.
Il papa se la ride: “Ve l'avevo detto, se non donavate abbastanza per la causa della madonna che ci ha sguinzagliato un alien di ridleyscottiana memoria sarebbe successo questo”. Il premier gli risponde: “I valori sono importanti ma il valore dei diamanti ebrei è tutto”.
Il pubblico non risponde più; non si parla con la bocca piena di porchetta, è maleducazione.
Un tizio ha provato a dire qualcosa ma l'alto volume di Mario Landi&I solisti ha offuscato l'offuscamento tenebroso.
E vissero tutti felici e inconsapevoli.




ULTIME DAL MONDO DELLE ACQUE MINERALI: oggi mentre pranzavo ho fatto caso ad una cosa che mi ha regalato attimi di pura ilarità. Dietro alla bottiglia dell'acqua c'era scritto che “può avere effetti diuretici”.
Non aggiungo altro; però mi sembra ingiusto che dietro all'acido non scrivano che forse potrebbe avere effetti corrosivi.



ULTIME DAL MONDO ESOTERICO: Aleister Crowley è vivo e vegeto e gestisce una bisca clandestina di Bingo a Bisceglie (BA).
“Sì, vi ho fatto uno scherzo di necrofilo gusto. Io, Adolf, Jim ed Elvis siamo stati nascosti a Bologna tutti questi anni, iscritti come fuoricorso al DAMS. Quando i nostri genitori si sono stufati di mantenerci (tante canne pochi esami) siamo venuti qui a coronare i nostri sogni e le nostre coronarie. Per provvedere alle spese di sostentamento della casa universitariacomunista, Elvis ha fatto il sosia di sé stesso in giro per tutti gli chalet della riviera Romagnola, dal 65 fino a quest'anno dove farà la sua ultima apparizione al Summer Jumboree di Senigallia. Hitler ha fomentato dei giovani nazi, reindirizzandoli verso un futuro più pulito, spronandoli alla raccolta differenziata. Jim Morrison, dopo essersi esibito con il suo Theremin ha recitato poesie dopo le apparizioni di Elvis. Quanto a me, ho sceneggiato tutti gli Harry Potter, dalla “Pietra filosofale” fino a quello che mo deve ancora uscire. Il governo mi ha chiesto di metterci parecchi messaggi subliminali per far rincoglionire i bambini e io l'ho fatto. Spesso le signore mi fermano per strada e si congratulano.
Cose tipo: “Lo sa che il mio bambino ha smesso di tirare la trielina e si è messo a fare rituali satanici sacrificando i pupazzi del Wrestling?”. Sono piccole soddisfazioni; mai grandi quanto l'essere apparso sulla copertina di Sgt. Pepper. Però mi accontento.




Una volta ho letto un libro dove un tizio sosteneva un sacco di stronzate che gli hanno fatto fare un sacco di soldi. Sarà capitato anche a voi di leggere qualche libro pieno di stronzate che ha regalato miliardi a quello che le ha partorite, cagandole sulla carta. Ecco, questo è quello che voglio fare da grande; campare scrivendo stronzate. Voglio fare i soldi, diventare framassone, governare il mondo e inscrivermi ai terroristi insieme a Magnotta e ai tagliapietre dei Simpson, voglio conoscere l'alieno che cantava “We Do” col boccale in mano mentre Homer si puliva il culo con la pergamena sacra. Chissà se la madonna ha mai lanciato un allarme; tipo qualuco sarà corso alla capanna di Gesù urlando: “Oh, ci sta quello che brucia le città che vuole fa' fuori Cristo” , allarmando la capanna. LA madonna gli ha detto: “Mio figlio si chima Gesù in italiano, Yeshua in negro e in ogni nazione che vai c'è un nome diverso; con me queste cose non attaccano”.
Allorché mi sono chiesto: perché cambiano anche i nomi dei presunti salvatori? Cioè, io mi chiamo mettiamo “Alessandro”. Se dovessi diventare storicamente importante, che succederebbe? In America mi chiamerebbero Alexander mentre in Grecia Alexandros?
Io voglio mantenere la mia identità anche da morto perché sono nato romano musulmano e... no, cazzo, non mi ricordo com'era la frase fatta.
Va be', poco importa: se la frase è fatta va a finire che prende la macchina pirata e tira sotto qualche motociclista, quindi sono cazzi suoi.
Ognuno è responsabile delle sue azioni fino a quando non compare di fronte al giudice.
Ad ognuno il suo solo se non ti trovi in una nazione sotto dittatura.
Marzo è pazzerello, te lo giuro, l'ho visto parlare col suo uccello.
Cielo a pecorelle radiazioni a catinelle.
Impara l'arte, mettila da parte e cerca di scordarla sennò i tuoi genitori ti hanno pagato i corsi invano.
Ogni lasciata è persa; se la ritrovi sarà incazzata con te, ti accuserà di egoismo.
Ci mette più la sposa a rivestirsi che il tempo a ricambiare; se la sposa ha il ciclo sarà una bella lotta con le forze magnetiche dell'universo, ma per questi compiti ci sono HE MAN & THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE... cazzo, era un cartone orribile. Vi ricordate? Adam, il culturista con pettintura da barboncino misto gemelle Kessler, così, per caso, è entrato in un castello, ha trovato 'na spada, l'ha presa in mano e puramente per caso ha l'ha innalzata urlando “PER LA FORZA DI GRAYSKULL” ed è diventato più grossa e definita pure la sua bestia.
Va be', a parte me nessuno è perfetto, quindi vi do appuntamento alla prossima settimana, macchine pirata e motociclisti pazzi a parte

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